Top 5 Reasons Why TWERKING Must NEVER Catch On In Britain

by Gordon Smith 4. September 2013 00:30

Women of Britain - don't even think about twerking

Miley Cyrus brought twerking into the popular domain when she twerked horribly all over the MTV VMA Awards. A horrified world put it’s head in it hands and silently prayed for it to go away. TWERKING has just entered the Oxford English Dictionary for the first time, so now schoolkids can look up TWERKING as well as FART and FANNY.  But will twerking ever catch on in Britain? Here are the top reasons why TWERKING must NEVER be allowed in the UK.

Miley Cyrus twerking like a good'un

1. To twerk, you need a good arse. And the Brits don’t have ‘em. You need a posterior that’s proud, upstanding and knows what it wants. Not one which sulks reproachfully in a pair of baggy jogging bottoms. Not one which appears each morning at the school gates still in its pyjamas.

2. TWERK is a portmanteau word (look it up, dictionary-dodgers) from “twist” and “jerk”. It sounds kind of like a Yorkshire way of saying WORK (“gerron t’dance floor, Chelseigh,  and get yer’sen twerkin’”). And this, my friends, is why the great British public will never warm to it.

3. Even the very best of British arses don’t cut the twerking mustard. Carol Vorderman won Britain’s Rear of the Year in 2011, but can you imagine her twerking? “Vowel please Carol, and a consonant, and another vowel. And a quick twerk. And another consonant.” Brings new meaning to the phrase “I’ll have two from the bottom row”.

Jessica Ennis. A truly great British athlete, with a jacksie that could crack walnuts. Surely one of Britain’s most heroic arses. But Jessica’s badonkadonk cheeks are solid walls of muscle. The best twerkers have that strangely inflated bubble butt thing going on. Ennis needs to get herself down to her local Pizza Planet.

4. What we really want to see is some of those celebrity tushes we’ve all admired. But I only need to say two words, and show you a picture, to tell you why our twerking dreams will be shattered forever: CHERYL COLE. And her oh-so-tasteful TRAMP STAMP FROM HELL.

Cheryl Cole's Twattoo

Do we want to see this sinister and satanic-looking mural twerk all over our TV sets? No, we don’t. Cheryl, you blew it. Twerk off ya big twerk.

5. In 2012, the bottom that blew all others away (not in a farty way, you plonk) was Pippa Middleton’s. And to be fair it did look great in that white bridesmaid’s dress. Since then we’ve had the pleasure of seeing the delightful derriere all over the papers and TV. Do we want to see a semi-royal rump jiggling and joggling around the corridors of Buck Pal? Not specially.

Pippa Middleton attempts twerking at sister's wedding

Let’s face facts, the British have neither that tushes nor the talent for twerking and therefore the BRITISH MUST NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TWERK.


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